Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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