My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
