Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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