Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
