Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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