My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
