Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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