i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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