This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
