Tell her she can't have a vagina
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
