the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
NoShamevember. You game?
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
