I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
