HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
