Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
