Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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