Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
