matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
She told me I should be a condom model.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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