dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
