So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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