Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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