i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
