my phone needs a breathalizer
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
