No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Randomize
