You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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