Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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