I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
