AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Randomize
