Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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