why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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