He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
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