Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
