i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Randomize
