I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
