The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize
