My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
