And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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