So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Randomize
