apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
