Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
