Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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