I'm lost and stupid without you.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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