Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Barsexuality is the new black.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Randomize
