I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I have all the porn. Be there soon
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