I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
