I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
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