Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
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