I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
