I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
