It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
