Can Purell be used as lube?
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I wish you could order shots online.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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